Doing the Best that I can

I give myself permission to make mistakes

As long as a lesson is learned

I give myself permission to fall

As long as I stand back up

I give myself permission to fail

As long as I persevere

I give myself permission to love

As long as I know my worth

I give myself permission to be angry
To be sad

As long as I do not remain bitter

I give myself permission to cry
To hurt
To dislike

As long as I do not dwell in misery

I give myself permission to give up for a day

As long as I try again tomorrow

I give myself permission to be me

As long as I remember

I am human

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Different Directions

WordpressFriends

You have been my best friend for 24 years. How did we come to a place that I fear, we cannot come back from? In the years leading up to the current, you have always been busy. However, we have always found a way to come back to one another and pick up from where we left off.

This…

This is different, though.

I try to be understanding to the situation at hand. I am a single female who is still trying to figure out what I am doing with my life. Meanwhile, you have a new companion. A husband and a family of your own. I would never want to be more of a priority than them. Yet, it seems like I am not important at all.

Like the ocean tide, we have gradually drifted apart.

We used to hang out all the time.

Playing house.

Singing songs.

Making up dance routines.

Playing at your family’s garage.

Hanging out with extended family.

Going to church together.

Laughing at nothing.

Talking about boys.

Doing each other’s hair.

Being there for each other when life got hard.

Picking up the pieces from the people who broke our hearts.

It saddens me because over the two decades of friendship that we have shared, I never thought we would arrive at this kind of fork in the road. Two people, who have almost, completely lost one another in their journey.

I made a pact with you that we would be in each other’s weddings. Well I still have to fulfill that promise to you. What happens if we stop showing up? What if we do not talk at all? What if we become so involved with our own lives we forget to call? Some of that is already happening so what would happen if we reach the bottom of this downfall?

It really should not surprise me, though. People come and people go. I have had many friends say goodbye just as fast as they have said hello. Even close friends who I thought would never leave me alone. I must admit that some were for good reason and I am thankful for weaving my way through them. Still, the sting of this hurts because I do not want it to end.

 

Tormenting

It’s a sad torment to know you will never be someone’s prority
I am always an option
Never the choice
I choose to take care of others
Yet no man has ever nurtured my wants or needs
I do not mean money or material things
Your time
Attention and
Consistency are the keys
If that is something you cannot give
Then I will have to go back to where it begins
By myself
Where I should have been

Eruption

One of the worst things is being sucked into a volcano

What’s worse is being in your own

The lava burns through your veins as it’s patience wanes

Ready to burst through every pore of your mountain esque skin

So it waits

And waits…

Waiting

Till it reaches a boiling point of no return

Rocks spew out

Hitting everything in their path

An outpouring of fire

melting all that it covers

It doesn’t mean to cause destruction

Yet it does not know any better

You call it mean

But this is the nature of it’s being

You tried to warn the others

Trying to help them move to safety with your subtle cues

Nevertheless some just ignore them because they don’t understand it as well as you do

Retreating to shelter

But it’s force is too strong

It pulls you back in

No matter how strong you think you are

It starts to consume you

As you cry out in agony

It’s tyranny makes you feel like you have no purpose

You’re worthless in it’s ruthless eyes

Sinking deeper and deeper into the abyss

Realize you do have the power to overcome this

If you can look beyond the ashes and the depths of despair

Can you see the majestic bliss of what you call a nightmare?

The Heart of Home

christmas-tree-and-fireplace

This house does not feel like my home. Do not get me wrong. I am grateful for the roof over my head. However, there are things that are a dread. Bitter winter nights make this place feel more like an ice cave than an actual bungalow. With baseboard heat and poor insulation, it can be a challenge to find the warmth of a campfire that grows. So I turn to kerosene and space heaters. Which is better than no feature. In ways, these items make it feel a little cozy. Yet, a house is not a home when you are lonely. I am okay with being by myself. As long as I have my dogs, though. They are my ammo from my fearing ego. Let’s continue by weighing in on a certain time of year. When lights, decorations, peace, and love most appear. Christmastime will forever be my favorite holiday. I could illuminate my space with glowing bulbs and my special tree but it doesn’t have that same glee. To wake up alone, without the innocent child-like wonder is beastly. I do not know how much longer I will be here for. Right now, I’ll just go with the flow. Not knowing when the next five years will provide me with a new hello. Only question is, where is the place that I can call home?

If I Could

Hug

If I could

I would erase the miles between you and I

Lay my head against your chest

Listening to the heart that beats in rhythm with mine

I would obsess over the way you look into my eyes

And no longer fantasize

About you being next to me

I would digest every detail of what your hand looks like

Wrapped around your future wife’s, admirably

Words are communicated that have been left unsaid

While doubts are laid to rest with just one kiss to my forehead

I would sit in awe of you

Letting the moment sink in

As I let out one big sigh of relief

My soul renewed and filled with adrenaline

But the peace you bring, is more than I have ever known

What a contradiction

To have harmony within a cyclone

I would laugh at all your best jokes

Paying attention to what evokes your spirit to sing with joy

Even if I may annoy you from time to time

I would never be left behind

There would be days when we disagree

Though nothing could come between the love of you and me

Reflect

sunset-beach-night-reflection

Funny how you called me an Attention Whore

After so long of being ignored

Was I really that bad?

Depending on the person’s billboard

Was it really a bad thing?

What gives you the right to criticize me?

When you were not in my shoes

If you really think about it

You could be considered one too

When you drank

Being the center of attention is what you pursued

Amusing that you use that label

For someone who prefers to be to herself

Now it’s time to hold yourself accountable

Cause none of us want to be left on a shelf

Maybe

Maybe I’m just bad at relationships

Or maybe people, do not know how to love

I have made up my mind

I am done 

Chasing

Looking

I am content with being on my own

I accept that maybe I’m supposed to be alone 

In my thoughts

My space

But if the time comes where you walk in

I’ll be ready 

With open arms

Only if you mean 

No harm

Dedicated to X-Lovers and So-Called Friends

20151013_132335

My greatest revenge

is letting you see

I am okay

Without you

On my own

Happy

You may have left me on my knees

But you did not break me

I have taken the rain from my eyes

and made a thunderstorm from my tenacity

You were a lesson I had to learn

The heartbreak that once took me to the point of no return

Has left the old me to burn

Thank you for helping me to see what I want and need

For helping plant the seed

that will one day lead me to love that succeeds